Lastnight, I got a text, from someone I considered as a friend, as a someone who used to have a big impact in my life. A long messages which asking me WHY. Why I turn out to be like this? Why I isolated myself from everyone?(which I only realise after I read the message). But, to sum up everything, the messages contains a lot of WHY.
I intended to reply you on whatsapp, but I know one things gonna lead to another. So, here it is. My so called- acceptable explanation, so you won't bother me anymore with your mulitple why.

First, I'm exhausted, everything seems to be exhausting me.
No matter how much sleep I had, how much coffee I drink(which I only started to drink last month), or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired over things that happened, or things that I don't have control over it. It's mentally exhausting and I'm feeling bad that I can't do anything about it.

So, you want to know what did I do to overcome this sickening matter? I stop interacting to people I used to. Because I don't want to drag anyone down with my problems. I want to take some time for myself in hope I could find my inner peace, and to tell you, yes I did it. I surprisely found my peace without depending on other people to make me happy.

I used stay up late every night thinking how I can make things better, how I can make up for the past mistake I made, or how I can be bold and stronger than ever. "Sharing is caring" they say, but some people I tried to open up to regarding my depression, said this to me, "you know if you stay up late, you're are just going to make it harder for yourself." But little did they know, I had sleepless night where I struggled to fall asleep because my thoughts are way too loud! I can't sleep at all.

But, if you could take some time to try to understand what I'm doing right now is, you can see that I'm not actually isolates myself, I only take time for myself to recover.

To correct you, I'm not a loner. I still go out, I still meet some friends, I still talk to some friends. And I believe, what I'm doing right now is a good thing, because I can't expect people to always be there for me. And you know it too well more than anyone else, that I always a avoid people whenever I had problems. But at some point you are right, maybe I'm losing some of my friends because of this, but still I don't think they understand why. The reason why I'm no longer seen with the people I used to hangout is because,
I don't want to be there when I'm not the person they need. I don't hate anyone, I don't despise anyone, it's just that I have small tolerance for what it takes to be with others for now.It means having to perform and I get so tired of communicating with people who don't have anything to say , or to be more precise I don't want to be where I'm not needed. And I'm tired to always become the first one to say Hello.

You know that I don't want anyone to be there when I'm sad because I know there's nothing going to change even if I open up about the same problems over and over again. But, I want them to be there when I recovered and ready to rock the stage again. But usually, they won't be there anymore,  which it leads me to a huge disappointment. I was expecting too much, or I guess they don't understand my healing process.

But then, it's okay. I've come to realize that my happiness comes first because there is someone who always told me that I can't make anyone happy if I myself are not happy. I'm actually doing pretty good now. I got this, don't worry. Everything is getting back on track. I'm much happier than before, after all the heartache and everything, things are actually getting better. It's okay, friends come and go, but true friends will never leave because you know they are always there when you keep them in your heart. And I will always be there when they needed me, but for now I really don't want to be where I'm not needed, where my existance is merely not important at all.

I feel blessed that I actually exhausted and went through depression, so don't you worry no more about me. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm okay. You know I will be. Believe me, I can grow trough what I've been through, it's only matter of time.

p/s: thankyou