VIVERLYN'S

Lastnight, I got a text, from someone I considered as a friend, as a someone who used to have a big impact in my life. A long messages which asking me WHY. Why I turn out to be like this? Why I isolated myself from everyone?(which I only realise after I read the message). But, to sum up everything, the messages contains a lot of WHY.
I intended to reply you on whatsapp, but I know one things gonna lead to another. So, here it is. My so called- acceptable explanation, so you won't bother me anymore with your mulitple why.

First, I'm exhausted, everything seems to be exhausting me.
No matter how much sleep I had, how much coffee I drink(which I only started to drink last month), or how long I lie down, something inside me seems to have given up. My soul is tired over things that happened, or things that I don't have control over it. It's mentally exhausting and I'm feeling bad that I can't do anything about it.

So, you want to know what did I do to overcome this sickening matter? I stop interacting to people I used to. Because I don't want to drag anyone down with my problems. I want to take some time for myself in hope I could find my inner peace, and to tell you, yes I did it. I surprisely found my peace without depending on other people to make me happy.

I used stay up late every night thinking how I can make things better, how I can make up for the past mistake I made, or how I can be bold and stronger than ever. "Sharing is caring" they say, but some people I tried to open up to regarding my depression, said this to me, "you know if you stay up late, you're are just going to make it harder for yourself." But little did they know, I had sleepless night where I struggled to fall asleep because my thoughts are way too loud! I can't sleep at all.

But, if you could take some time to try to understand what I'm doing right now is, you can see that I'm not actually isolates myself, I only take time for myself to recover.

To correct you, I'm not a loner. I still go out, I still meet some friends, I still talk to some friends. And I believe, what I'm doing right now is a good thing, because I can't expect people to always be there for me. And you know it too well more than anyone else, that I always a avoid people whenever I had problems. But at some point you are right, maybe I'm losing some of my friends because of this, but still I don't think they understand why. The reason why I'm no longer seen with the people I used to hangout is because,
I don't want to be there when I'm not the person they need. I don't hate anyone, I don't despise anyone, it's just that I have small tolerance for what it takes to be with others for now.It means having to perform and I get so tired of communicating with people who don't have anything to say , or to be more precise I don't want to be where I'm not needed. And I'm tired to always become the first one to say Hello.

You know that I don't want anyone to be there when I'm sad because I know there's nothing going to change even if I open up about the same problems over and over again. But, I want them to be there when I recovered and ready to rock the stage again. But usually, they won't be there anymore,  which it leads me to a huge disappointment. I was expecting too much, or I guess they don't understand my healing process.

But then, it's okay. I've come to realize that my happiness comes first because there is someone who always told me that I can't make anyone happy if I myself are not happy. I'm actually doing pretty good now. I got this, don't worry. Everything is getting back on track. I'm much happier than before, after all the heartache and everything, things are actually getting better. It's okay, friends come and go, but true friends will never leave because you know they are always there when you keep them in your heart. And I will always be there when they needed me, but for now I really don't want to be where I'm not needed, where my existance is merely not important at all.

I feel blessed that I actually exhausted and went through depression, so don't you worry no more about me. Everything's gonna be okay. I'm okay. You know I will be. Believe me, I can grow trough what I've been through, it's only matter of time.

p/s: thankyou

   When I met you, I was getting over someone. Someone who was great at first and whom I had given my heart to and he had stomped all over it. I didn't know how or why it ended so abruptly. I was hurt and was working on getting over him(for years) I was working on getting past the need to find answers when someone just pushes you aside as if you were disposable. 

  But when I saw you, I wanted you. I didn't wanted you to be my boyfriend, I knew I couldn't offer you anything, I was empty and I knew better than to get involved with someone I couldn't give or receive anything and for the first time, I had no expectations.

  It's been almost two and a half year now and we've had a great relationship. I have learned so much from you, I have learned so much about myself as well. We have had our ups and downs, we love each other so much a bit too soon and we didn't know each other that well.

you took care of me

   But we have made it work and we have learned so much from every fight we've had and we stick together, support each other and wait the storm off together. I have never had a real, mature relationship before and you have shown me that, you have shown me real love. I love you for who you are. 

  You have days when you are cranky, being an egoist, spend too much time in front of your laptop and , you speak too loud when you're on the phone, and when you're mad and you say things without thinking them through... yeah, I still love you because you have opened your heart even though is as flawed as mine. You show interest in things that are important to me, you have learned to communicate and open it, you are sweet and caring and try to be romantic because you know how important those things are for me. 

  You talk about plans for the future and you include me and the dreams we share has become our home. I want us to grow old together and deal with it all together because we make a hell of a team. 

Definitely make a hell of a team!

xoxo.

      Thank you for being one of the greatest things that came into my life. Thank you for teaching me so much about myself. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I can never hate you because I know that everything you did was out of love, but I hate that it had to end - that you never listened to me, that you didn't see that you were the one thing in my life that made me happy. And I hope that you are happy. I wish I could be there to see it all happen, that I was the one that helped you. But for now this is goodbye as I can't be the one who can makes you happy when I did everything I can.

They say if you love something, let it go… if it comes back to you, then its yours to keep forever. Well, this is me letting you go, now the rest? Well that’s up to you to decide and when you finally sorts out everything  please come back, but just know, I won’t wait for you forever. I hope you accomplish every goal you set for yourself, I hope you figure out everything you were unsure about, and when you are done you know where to find me.

Am I a horrible person?

I was happy with our relationship before because I knew you liked me more than I liked you. I had the power. I was grateful for the fact that if you changed your mind and wanted to back out, I would not be crushed like I have been in the past. I knew that I could be adored by you without even having to try. I liked you because of the attention you gave me, and the lack of effort I had to make. It was so easy. 

But petty weeks turned into great months and I found that I have fallen for you. I love your crazy hair. I love your effortless optimism. I love how you are so self-assured, but also the least cocky person I know. I love that you trust me with your heart, even though it has been tossed aside in the past. I wish it was still so easy. I pray to god that you are a better person than I am. I hope that you don't realize that I relinquished all my power to you. You now have that sovereignty that I was so fond of.

You have the potential to break me, and I have never been so fucking terrified. I have been broken before so please please please be more responsible and kind with my heart than I was with yours. It doesn't have to be this power struggle. It's like that one trust game at camp where everyone would stand in a circle. 

Then, slowly, we would all sit on the person behind us so that the entire circle was supported by ourselves. Neither of us need the power. There is no supremacy when we both throw in our hearts and our trust. I know you trusted me, even when you shouldn't have. 

I hope I can trust you, even though I know I already should.

x

In my mind, I dream of unknown places and future lovers. See, I dream a lot. Part of me is stuck in an alternate reality, in a fairytale book or a Taylor Swift song, where no one gets hurt, and everything is perfect and gets resolved. I'm in love with the idea of love, but I have yet to truly find it, even within myself. I have thought I found it before, thought I grasped it, the concept of it at least, but I was wrong. 

Love takes no exact shape or form, I think of it as a quivering mass, that can be molded into any shape. For awhile now I have been a numb individual, numb to life, numb to pain, and numb to love. I have been content this way, safe in my little haven, safe in my mind. Little did I know, that I was missing so much. It didn't take a boy, or an unforgettable kiss to make me realize this, it took one conversation with a very good friend. 

To me love is much more than loving an individual, or even loving yourself. It's about loving life, loving this earth that we inhabit, loving the spirit that fills our soul (whatever that may be), and loving being alive. The most frustrating thing about love is that no one can give you that love of life, not any self help books, or therapists, or even religious figures. (though they may help.) It's something you find within yourself. I finally realized that while, I was afraid of living I was just existing. I want to LIVE. Not just experience the joys of life, but the pain too. I want to LOVE. Not just have a perfect relationship, but have flaws too. I WANT to be hurt, I want to be a complete mess, I want to live in a foreign city where I now no one, and they don't know me. 

Because anything is better than feeling nothing. Nothing is lonely, nothing is cold. Nothing is giving up. I vow to live and to love from this day forward. To love myself, to love life, and the earth we inhabit, to love the spirit the fills my soul, and to love being alive. I can only hope the same for you. 

Good luck on your journey.  xx

”What would be enough?”
“How do you mean?”
“Since no one can have it all, what would be enough for you?” he ask me.

Today I have learnt not to love. Because to love, is to get hurt and one's heart can only take so much. Time and time again I put myself out there, open, trusting, loving. But what I receive in return is nothing shy of selfishness and self-centeredness.

So why love?
Why love when it hurts so much? Why give yourself to someone when they'll just throw you away later? Why?
Call me jaded, but I like to think of myself as a realist. A realist who has been burned far too many times.

As much as I would like to go into details, I don't think they matter. Each incident, each person, each relationship, it's all the same, just with different colours, circumstances, nuances.

I'd like to stop myself here, before I go on any further and say that everything was my fault. From the beginning to the end, it was all stupid, trusting me. So there. You're free of any guilt whatsoever. But just so you know, I thought you were different.

I don't think this will ever happen to me for a while because this risk is just something that I'm not going to take so soon or so easily. The pain, at one point of time was unbearable but now has just numbed to a dull thudding ache.

So somebody, anybody, please tell me, why love?
Because I sure as hell don't know.

"Better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all" is not true. I'd rather live not knowing the pain and instead still have dreams about how wonderful love should be. Now I just know that it is nothing but pain, tears, and a gut-wrenching feeling.