VIVERLYN'S

I don't understand why God would let us meet, knowing that we could never be together.

The part that hurts me the most right now is , knowing that I once had you and then lost you.

But I have thought about it so many times. Perhaps mostly because everyone besides myself seems to wonder when I'm going to find someone new. But I don't let it get to me.

I still want us to work it out. I still want to be with you. I want all of our dream comes true. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to keep all of our promises. I want us.

I don't care if all of them trying to discourage me. I don't care if no one wants me to be with you. If loving you is wrong then I don't want to be right. I can go through all those bullshits,as long as you promise to stay by my side. But not you, no. I don't expect you to be one of them, because you are the reason why I'm still  not giving up.

But, after lastnight. Maybe, giving up is the best for both of us. We can no longer back to how we were used to be.

This time, I'm not gonna fight for you anymore. I'm gonna miss you like hell. Miss our sleepovers. Our late night discussion as we snuggled. You pulling me close to you. I'll miss the nights as we laid there hugging, stealing kisses in the darkness. So innocent and pure. I love you, more than than you know.

 And yet I hate you for doing this to me. Putting me in a position of loving someone I'm not supposed to love.  I'm not supposed to want. "you are not good for me" , I kept telling myself that. I repeat it in my head hoping I could convince my heart. But I can't, because I love you so much. You will always be a part of me.

I don't want to lose you. It hurts you as much as it hurts me. I could hear it in your voice lastnight. You meant what you said. I dont't want you to ever stop loving me. It seems only recently we were dorks hanging out celebrates my birthday.

You grabbed my heart. I didn't know it then.

Im going to miss you embrace. Your scents. Your fingers running through my hair. Your kisses. Your smile. Your jokes. The way your eyes looked at me. Oh God, I love you so much. I hate your ego and pessimistic attitude, and your annoying intelligence. The fact that you  need to be right all the time. That you constantly talk about woman as an individual that need to be rule, yet despite all the iffies quality you had, I still love you.

I love that dorky smile that smirks across your face every time I say something stupid. I'm gonna miss it. All the bad and good memories. I'm gonna miss you. And I am still in love with you. But it wont be the same.

I lost you, the you I love. I miss you. I love you. Come back to me. I'm waiting.  I know time can't erase a feeling this strong.

But if its do, then it's gonna hurt so bad. It's gonna hurts a lot more than before.

mras. 

   For the past few months, things has been hectic neither for me or you. And to be honest, we really got into each other nerves like everytime.

Fear of  loss is a lot worse than losing something. Because the fear of loss makes you avoid situations where you would be in the position to lose anything.
And, well that's losing all by itself, isn't? 


And yet we let our emotional armors fall in instant, and dealt with our relationships. The pull was too much, much too strong we couldn't resists.
To let you hold that much power over me? Devastating.
But.. thank you. No, really, thank you. You changed so many of my bad qualities into a good one. 
But...
I think I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid of being completely vulnerable. 
So vulnerable, I feel like my flesh been stripped away and my muscles and cartilage are being exposed to the element. 
I don't know.
To have my entirely world-the one where men are humans, who are just as fucked up as we are, but occasional respectful one comes along- depends on YOU?
I'm waiting for you to fuck it up.
But, I want you. Forever. 
See?



Shifting a person so utterly paralyzed from years of an intense fear of loss to complete vulnerability? Truly devastating.




So vulnerable, I feel like every movement is at risk of making my bones shrink until the disappeared, and leave me a crumpled pile of mess.
So vulnerable, I feel like if anyone touch me, I'd shatter into a million tiny pieces and a thousand tears.



It scares the shit out of me.

Maybe. if you did, I'd die inside.
Maybe, if you did, I'd never move on.
Maybe, if you did, I'll never see you again.


There it goes again. 
The fear of loss.

thank you

Hm,

Dear sayang,

  My heart is totally filled with things that words alone can't say today. This comes especially for you with my all my love. As I said before, it seems like I blinked and this year already half way over. Same goes to our relationship baby. 18th January 2014 is the moment we officially having each other in life. And yesterday was our half year anniversary. Some people may say that, 1/2 year of being together is not a big deal. But people can say whatever they want. Cause they don't know bout us. And some may say, I'm too young to know bout forever and it's okay. Cause, it doesn't matter where I go in life, what I do. Its who I have beside me along the journey, and you are one of the greatest blessing from God for me.

  Our anniversary indeed is a time to look back at the good times we already shared and a time to look ahead to live our dreams together. I just got to thinking about how lucky I am today. How I really want our relationship will undoubtedly last forever. Love, you probably will not be the man I'll marry and I'm probably not the last girl you'll kiss. Still, at the moment, you are the only man I want to be with and that gives me so much joy and comfort. When you hold me in your big, strong arms, I feel save in a whole new way. To be honest, although we always argue, alot, yet, since we got together I see the world a little differently. I focus more on the good things and I love it.

  I've felt heartbreak before and I know what it feels like to want someone who doesn't want you back. It isn't easy. I've also been in a relationship with someone I never really had anything in common with. I think that's why I appreaciate this relationship so much, cause I feel lucky in every way. Lucky enough to have found someone with whom I share both interests and attraction. I'm madly deeply fallen in love with you and plan to keep it this way, although I know it's not impossible that someday either you or me gonna fall out of love. But please know that, before you, I never knew that I could actually selflessly love someone regardless.

  I love you sayang. Happy Anniversary once again. May God showers us with lots of blessing and keep this relationship last forever. I love you.

Thanks Baby for the instax mini camera as our anniversary gift for me.

You welcome sayang

                                                 

  Its seems like I blinked and this year already halfway over. Since last year, nothing good ever happened in my life. Until I met this one perfect guy, I mean perfect which Im defining him, he completes me in every way. I supposed that should be a good sign for me, though, because when things arent going well, time seems to drag on endlessly. Well, my dear asii, if you ever read this one day, please know that Im sincerely telling you that I love you. Like, love you so much ahaha.

Oh well,

  There's a really beautiful sentiment that has popped into my mind more than once since then. About me, myself. When I think of all the time I spent thinking about the past or worrying about the future, it makes me stop and consider how much effort Im giving to the now? How often am I completely present in the moment? But sadly, NOT VERY OFTEN. I wasted a lot. The amount of time I spend thinking about things that have already happened or things that I need to do is staggering. Its also mostly pointless. But lucky enough, I had my lucky charms, mum and dad, friends, and you my love. Considering them always be my side within my ups and down, so Ive started trying to notice more of the that are great about right now.

  I, recently had a lot of issues with my body weight and size. Its kinda frustrating when people keep telling you that you're ugly (but in a good way) which lowered my self-esteem down  to the six feet under. Sometimes, I wish miracles could happen in a night, where I wake up in the morning with Megan Fox body. Gahhhh~ But, miracles is just another for HARDWORK.

  Past few weeks I started my gym sessions with boo. And Im still under progression for now. Its really hard when you had mind over matter issues. I pushed myself way over to the limit with all the machines, but still I cant control my meals. Which is, it sucksss. But, know what, if Im not doing it now, when will I ever change? So, I decided to challenge this fat version of mine to cut off all the junks if I wanna achieved my target. It might not be easy as it said, but there's never harm in trying. :)

  So today, I take a short trip to Gunung Emas with dad. When Im in the car, I roll the windows down to feel the wind passes by face and in my hair. Turn the music up. I think about the lyrics and listen to the ryhthm , melodies and instruments. Peace of mind I must say. Its been so long I felt this way. There's moment I glance at Dad. That old man, getting old, those wrinkles on his forehead, his eyes, his hand. I love this old man to the moon and back, and I wish he can live up to thousand years. I know I will always be his favorite baby girl. And we shared so many things. He's my best friend, my Dad, and my hero. I might leave him to be with my prince someday, but above all he'll always be my King. Those little moments we shared are some of the best part of my life, and I dont want to miss out on them.

 See, thing is..
  Most days, Im so ridiculously happy and it can be sickening sometimes, haha. But when Im not, its because I;ve gotten lost in my head. But, despite everything I had, now I've a new therapist who is wonderful, and I feel like I'm actually working toward something again instead of just chatting with a friend and it makes me feels alive more than ever. Thanks babe. You know who you are. :)

All in all, life is fantastic. Just fantastic, awesome, and fucking great.
I cant think of a time when I've felt more content and fulfilled and loved like now.
 
                                                                                                         Much Love, Amyviverlyn